Tuesday, 13 June 2017

Untitled

Nothing is going right
Nothing is going as expected
Nothing is getting better

I am here
Writing this
At the time when I should be sleeping

I am here
Sitting in my messed up roo
With my messed up hair

I see my life
All messed up like my room

I see the end is near
Waiting for me
To come unanounced

Having so many people
Having so many social networks
Facebook friends more than fifty
WhatsApp contacts more than hundred
Having so many friends

Yet no one to share
Anything or
Everything

 I am here
Again thinking
Analysing my life

I am here
Thinking negatively again
May be overthinking

I divert myself from thinking
Yet I think things which I shouldn't​
I remember the lost me

I  long to have a friend
With whom I can talk to
With whom I can share my feelings

I  know I can easily share my thoughts
I  can easily tell them about my feelings
I  can go and tell this to my parents
My brothers
My sister
My good family

But I don't want to tell them
They will get worried
Much worried

I don't want to let them know about me dying within
Me going from depression since the last ten months
I have already made them sad

They have faced a lot because of me
They have failed because of me
They have lost their good child because of me

I  have been like an ill omen bird
I  have been like a thorn to them
I  have been like a sour grapes for them

Yet they have done everything for me
Yet they have loved me more
Yet they have cared for me so much
May be their love is like this only
No complaints no demands

I do remember when I wasn't able to be a doctor
They didn't said a word
Respected my interest and decision to do something other than doctor or engineering

I  see my treasures of life
I see the bird sitting on a tree
Yet I fail to control my cerebrum

I get lost in my world
To be again
Disturbed by my own thoughts

I don't know
From where
The war between heart and mind
Comes into action

Not giving me time to think
No time for me
By me

Making me silent
Making me quiet
They start

Heart says
Not to make their life tough because of you
Mind whispers
To go and tell them as they are your family

The constant battle
Makes me uncomfortable
I want to be free
From this endless war

I want to be crystal clear
I don't  want things to be perfect
I want things to be better

I know things will be better
With time
With patience

Till then
I have to keep going
I have to keep moving
Slowly and steadily

I have failed so much in life
I failed at everything

I have failed Friendships
I have failed relationships
I have failed academically

Not once but thrice
Failed emotionally
Failed physchologically
Failed physically
Failed mentally

Failed in my dreams
Failed in my aims
Failed in my aspirations

Failed in keeping up to their expectations
Failed in keeping up to promises
Failed in keeping up to his last wish

Passionately I have failed
Professionally I have failed

I have failed
As a writer
As a poet
As a story teller
As a quote writer
As a novelist

 I have cried so much
I cry every night
I cry every day

When all are sleeping
My eyes get welled up
Tears falling down

I check my phone
To see if someone is available to listen to me
I see many people online

Elated to share my feelings
Or may be to be laughed at
I check my contacts

I get ready to share my feelings
I type the whole message taking minutes
To be deleted within seconds by me

Remembering that I don't have friends
Friends are busy
Friends are doing well in their life

Why someone will want to listen to
A crying baby like me
When they have other important things to do

Why would anyone listen to me
When everyone is going through daily struggles
When everyone is having so many problems in life

I don't know
Why I fear losing people
When I want to be alone in life

Why I want to share
When I know nobody cares for me
May be because of human nature

I have been popular
Popular among family and friends
For being an immature person


An attention seeker
A sympathy gainer
An annoyer
A person who forces to be talked to

Moreover everyone is alone
Here
Alone and aloof

I don't cry
In front of others
Only people whom I trust

I have came a long way
From the darkness all around
I have found sunshine in my life.

Yes I have failed many times
I have failed miserably
I have been a failure

Yet
I am happy
You know why?

Because I have realised my mistakes
I have known my self worth
I have experienced so much in so little time

I have done nothing
Yet everything

I have never been on world tour
Yet experienced

I have  been not  very intelligent
Yet happy

I have never been in love
Yet have felt what it's to be in love

I have never​ been friends for much time
Yet have been friends with the best

I have never been successful
Yet have seen what are the challenges

I have never been to places
Yet have travelled

I have never topped
Yet have seen at the top

I have never received acknowledgement
Yet have written

With the dusk coming in my life
Dawn fading with each passing day
I have lived too much

I don't have anyone to tell
Yet have told things to many people
Have told them things with quite chuckle

I have been silent for years
Yet have said things to you
You know who all are you

Now
Let me spend my days in peace
Days that will become memories for you

I see my writings
Going away from me
To welcome something grand

Keep reading my writings
Until you see my next writing
It's​ up to you either to wait or to move on

I will be there
To keep making this world a happy place
Till then I will miss you all
Again I don't know why

We will meet somewhere
After years
Many years
It will be a fairy tale to meet you all

Writings which you have read
Writings you haven't read
Writings you liked
Writings you hated
Writings you loved
Writings you cursed
Writings you thought were inappropriate
Writings you just had a look
Writings you were bored
Writings you never opened to read
Writings you never read
Writings you were uncomfortable
Writings you thought were confusing
Writings you deleted
Writings you never gave a damn to
Writings which have made you chuckle
Writings which have made you emotional

Let me walk
Let me feel the world
Let me see the world.









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