Monday, 14 May 2018

Life has freezed for me
I have lost all 
My day starts with sadness ends in depression
I don't want to know what's going on
I just want to run away 
From everything
From everyone
I want to live in my own world forever

I just want to go far 
With every morning comes a new hope
But not for me
I don't want to live anymore
No more 

All day I keep thinking how to die
My brain is engulfed in suicidal thoughts
My day starts with suicidal tendencies
I am a loser 
Lost so much 
Have lost everything 

Regrets I have so many
Sins I have committed much 
Lies unspoken
Messages undelivered

I know 
I was wrong but what he did to me was his choice
I don't want to tell anyone about him
I don't want family and friends to know about him
Innocent once I was
Pure once I was

I can't share this with my sister too
I don't have anyone to share this
Though we have ended up it all 
Yet everyday I keep on thinking
What wrong I did 

It was my blunder to reply
It was my mistake that I thought I too can be like others
It was my mistake to accept his friendship
It was my mistake to be friends with him

I am afraid of my family 
My family getting to know this scares me so much
Especially my mom
Especially my sister
Especially my only one friend

I have failed in life fully
In academics 
In keeping relations
In keeping relationships
In keeping friendships
Emotionally I am drained out

I cry so much for him 
I cry everyday 
I keep blaming myself for that day
But I don't have anyone to talk about it
to share this with anyone

I tried to call her 
Everyone is busy 
It is my blunder to depend on them
I don't want anyone
I must understand that all are busy
For me there is only me 
It's my blunder to try to talk
I am happy in my own little world

I can't take it more
I know what I am going to do is an act of cowardeness
Yet it's okay 
I have been judged all my life
All will complain my immaturity
I know I am not mature
I am not responsible enough 
I don't know what's right 
I can't take any decisions
I behave rudely
I hurt everyone my friend especially
I hurt my family
Always

I don't want to blame anyone 
I blame myself
As in the end 
It's me and my choices
Ruining my life

I want to say many things 
But it's better to keep everything secret
It's best to keep few things left unsaid
None will miss me 
Eventually life goes on 
Whether I am here or not

I just ask pardon from him 
To hurt him 
I just want to thank everyone 
Thanks everyone family and friends
Hope tomorrow becomes best for everyone
Thanks all of you

Adieu Everyone
Welcome life after .........

Monday, 26 March 2018

O you please don't stop me
I don't want this world anymore
O you please leave me alone
For I don't deserve this gift of life

O you please
Let me do the best thing
Let me die
Let me sleep for eternity

O you please
Permit me to know
Life after death
Experience it for the first time

O you please
Hate me more
Today tomorrow and the
Days to come

O you please
Send me the best moments we had
Just for once
For one last time

O you please
Listen to me
Just for once
For one last time

O you please
Try to understand me
Not for me
But for one last time

O you
Please take out time for me
To read my long immature messages
I wait for your tomorrow to come
I still wait
I long for you
With anticipation

Forgive me for everything done
I know I am nothing
I am nothing for anybody
I have failed academically
Messed up my semester exams
Can't face mom dad my sister and my brothers
I can't you too

I just want to tell you that
You were my friend
You are my friend and
You will always be
Whether I am here or not
My writings are there for you always
Bye





Monday, 5 March 2018

Lie

Everything has changed so sudden
I don't know what to do
Where to go
Whom should I talk to
Life has become hell for me
I am deader than dead
All my hopes, dreams have vanished into thin air
I have lost the meaning of life
For me everyday is a struggle
Struggle against my inner self
Depression haunts me forever
Loneliness engulfes me always
I have so much negativity in me
I have forgotten the old me the happy me
I have murdered my innocence
I have become prone to failures
Academically I have messed up my semester exams
I have two backlogs in the course
In my dream course
I have repeated the old mistakes again
My life has lost all it's charm to live
Alone I came Alone I will go
I keep repeating these things to myself
I know I am all alone in this big world
Yes I have my loved ones near me yet
I am alone in this world
There are times when I don't want to live but the very thought of my mom stops me
I can't share my ideas feelings share my secrets with anyone
My good old friend tells me to share yet I don't
I am happy to be a mystery for them
None knows the real me yet everyone hates me
Reading my books spending time with them
Helps me to escape the reality
Getting lost in a pure innocent world
Makes me happy again
Though for a short period of time
Which is enough for me
I do have tendencies to end it all forever
My mind keeps on wandering thoughts on how to k... myself
Again the words of my good old friend
To face life to face problems stops me
Blessed I was always
It was me who did everything wrong
I did wrong to everyone
My mistakes turned into wrong decisions , turned into bad habits
Leaving me paralysed
In unseen,unheard pain
Before I move ahead to do the deed
This time I won't stop
Before it gets too late
I should do the deed
There are million things which I want to tell but I have none
Other think me as an attention seeker, crying baby ,ugly
I don't know why I want to tell them
When I went to my sister
I was told to share it with your friends
Friends with whom I can't because they won't understand me
When I went to elders they sent me to my lovely sister
My mom thinks that I am close to dad
dad thinks I am close to my brothers
my brothers think I am close to my sister
my sister thinks I am close to my friends
Irony is that I am close to none except HIM
I don't want to become a burden on them
That's why I chose the ultimate truth of life
It's all my plan
None is involved in it
The world will know after years
What I am doing is good.

Wednesday, 21 February 2018

Untitled Title

While sitting lost in my own world
Trying my level best to concentrate
On the ongoing lecture
I sat there
Depressed sad
For the unknown reasons

Introspecting myself evaluating myself
I look closely inside my heart
Eyes closed burnt dreams
All I could see was 'wide sea'
I sat there tears rolling down my cheeks
Making my eyes swollen
Leaving me in agony

Hurriedly I walked out of the
Ongoing lecture
For I could no longer
Tolerate my moist eyes
Waiting for their freedom

Moving away from the people
In search of a place
Passing through the long road
Pastured greeny fields
Flowers smiling at me
Seeing my gloomy face

I cry like a little baby
My eyes hurt
In pain
I know things will be good again
But when I ask You

Whenever someone asks me
Are you okay
Without wasting a second
I blur out only one word
Yes I am okay

For I don't want to become a burden
On them
Again
I don't want to be called an attention seeker
No more! No more!

It was not their mistake
Flaws are in me
Evil I am
Sinner I am

Life was beautiful once for me
Happiness was there
Innocent I was
Contented , satisfied I was

With unforeseen situations
Entering my life
Surprisingly uninvited
I became a puppet in the hands of destiny
My self ruined destiny

Death took away my soul
Leaving me a lifeless body
I sat there
With lost hopes lost dreams lost goals

I was happy when
I was close to beautiful nature
My mornings began with
Sun rising peeping through my window
My day ended with
Stars gazing moon
A light for me

Between me and death
Twixt life and death
Death won again
I lost all of my body all of my fears again
I lay there lifeless

My mind
A beautiful mind
Trapped in an immature heart
Cried and cried
The cries of him kept echoing in my ears

Years ago
I was untouched
I was a happy person who loved herself
I was holy
Pure with pure thoughts pure heart

A wave came in the wide sea
Went away with all my happiness locked in her heart
A cyclone came
Took away all my friends and foes
Leaving me empty handed with nothing

Just darkness and darkness and darkness
All around
I lay here lifeless
Waiting for the deed to happen

The invited pain sucking all my blood
Granting me the freedom
Making me free from everything
Forever and ever

O You
I prithee you
To bless my family
my good old friend
With everything they wished for

Grant them strength to accept it
The deed
A deed so beautiful
For me myself

Adieu


An Unwritten Page From Diary

Life has come to a standstill

I don't know where I am going on in my life
I have lost all my senses
Am I in love? or
Is It depression
With these thoughts in mind
I leave my bed which I don't want to leave
But I have to
I get up to get ready for my office 
Without realizing the day being a Sunday
I reach my office
Thinking that I am on time atleast today
I smile
I see no one 
Just two colleagues 
They smile at me 
They politely ask me 
Am I fine
Am I okay
Without answering there questions
I walk to my cubicle
With thoughts running in my mind
thoughts which are flowing like water
I don't  feel like doing any work 
I try not to think negative
I try to do my work
checking my email box 
just to see If my most trustworthy friend has replied to my email or not
Hearing footsteps of my colleagues
I quickly open a new tab 
When they go back to their cubicles
I look around my office
The desks of my colleagues
I see them minutely for the first time
Some have kept the photographs of their grandparents restoring the faith in true love
Some have neatly kept snaps of their parents on their tables
Some have kept the photos of their family in a finely handmade album
Some have stuck the photos of their children smiling
Some have photos of their trips with their friends
I guess it is of their school or  college time
After having a quick round yet minutely 
I return back to my place
I look around my table 
I see no photographs of my grandparents
I see no photographs of my parents
I see no photographs of my family
I see no photographs of my friends
Only I see files piled up in a row
Only I see my mobile phone mocking at me
I quickly unlock my phone
Open my phones gallery
I see not many photos
Just five to six photos of me with my family
I see the photographs of my last birthday
which I had celebrated it with my friends and family
I had celebrated my birthday with such pomp and show
I recollect all my birthday scenes
I recollect the happy times spent with my friends and family
I giggle seeing the crazy poses that me and my friends had made
The moments spent with them 
The bond we shared
I look more into my phone
Photos saved in other folders
I view them all 
With each photo 
I see moments passing by like a flicker
I see the photos of my last trip with whole of my family
Natural poses made with my brothers and sisters
free from fake poses
Moments shared 
I see the photos of my first and the last reunion with my friends
Memories made to last a lifetime
Pictures speaking volumes
Each picture reminds me of those happy times 
Which I wont be able to create again
Niether with my family nor with my friends
The important people of my life



Tears welled up in my eyes 
Eyes moistened with tears
I ask myself 
What wrong has happened with me
What wrong is going in my life
I have changed so much just in a couple of years
I have changed
My life has changed
My perspective towards my life has changed 
My way of looking at things have changed

I ask myself 
Have I become selfish?
Have I become pale and weak?
Have I become a person differentiating with others?
Have I become a person full of prejudice?

I introspect into my life 
my own life 
which was so good
which was so happy
which had everything
I had everyone with me
I had my family 
I had my friends
which were always there for me 
to guide me
to support me
to motivate me
to encourage me 
to care for me
above all 
To love me so much

I get my answer myself
It was I who was irresponsible
It was I who did'nt take their guidance
their advices 
their experiences
lessons learned from their experiences
It was I who didnt worked hard to score well
It was I who turned down their sayings
gave a deaf ear to their words

I remember my grandmother always telling me to work harder
with the each passing day
I remember my parents always telling me 
to give my best
it's just the beginning of a journey
of facing the real world
Not to become weak
Be strong enough
Its okay to fail sometimes
Its okay to fall 
but make sure after that
Try not to either fail or fall


I remember my sister always telling me that 
In life marks are important but not important than your life
Always telling me to face life
Confidently and boldly
I remember my brother always guiding me to strive for 
my goals my dreams which I want
to tell me that
People will rate you break you pull down you 
Some will hate for you no reason
Turn a deaf year to these kind of people
Instead to be with people who love you for no reason
who encourage you who support you

I remember my most trust worthy friend 
always telling me to work for my set goals
to have short goals and long term goals
to work harder
to give time in achieving them
to be positive
to be optimistic
which was I earlier
I remember my friend always trying to get the best out of me
She was always their 
Inspite of being so busy
She talked to me
She made me understood not to run away from problems but to face them
The problems which were actually not their but
were made by me
to read good books
to read books which will give you a positive life.


Now I have got to know
Everything was in order 
They were with me 
It was I who had made my life complicated
so complicated that I needed someone to save from me only
I was not in love with my opposite but
with my older version of myself
I was in love with the older me
Trying to please everyone whom I met
I lost myself in no time
I lost the best of me
which was always positive towards life
who did things that made her happy
to be the real me

I was not in depression
It was only I had lost my way 
In trying to behave maturely
I started to be rude
Once I was a carefree person who used to be happy
who never bothered what others think of me 
had a gala time with my loved ones
People who accepted me the way I am 

I did'nt worked in my office
I was in such deep thoughts 
I did'nt realized it was the time to go home
My home My sweet home

My colleagues coming to me before leaving 
Was I okay?
Was I fine?
I checked once again my emails
This time I didnt opened another tab
Instead thanked them for their concern
Because in real world 
It does'nt happens everyday that your competitiors concerned for you

As I was going to close the email box
A desktop notification popped up a new email
To my beautiful day 
There was the reply from my friend
Again telling me to leave negativity
not to be pessimistic
To be optimistic in life (I was once)
With sun going below the horizon but
making my life full of light 
to be ready to face the real world 
for the next day.

With these change of thoughts 
I walked out of my office 
with new zeal and new enthusiasm
I made my life simple
Again my life is simple

Truly Life is simple
Its we who make it complicated
Give time to yourself
your loved ones
And Life will be Simple for you.


Tuesday, 20 February 2018

New Girl In Town

Ten years ago
In the scorching heat
Of July month
I met her for the first time

I saw her from a distance
My heart wanted to approach her
But Oh my introvert nature
Stopped me

She was there standing
In neat tidy uniform
Her eyes were beautiful
Her black eyes were shinning bright
Her face was glowing
Her hair were tied up
Her rainbow smile

She was having backpack on her shoulders
Her plait tied up with black rubber band
She entered the room with
Happiness flowing with every step

Surprisingly she came near to me
Looked and went away
Leaving behind
Her million dollar smile
Stamped in my heart forever

After day or two
I interacted with her
She left me speechless
Her way of talking filled me with joy

For years
I was alone without much friends
Suddenly I got a new friend
Unexpectedly we became friends

Embarking a new journey
Of life-long friendship
Of the purest form of love

We exchanged numbers
Within weeks
We were good friends

She made me understand the meaning of
Friendship
Being friends with her
Left my heart jumping with joy

Her words kept echoing in my ears
Forever
Slowly we started talking
Every time I talked with her

Time stopped
Earth became silent
Wind stopped blowing
Water became still
Flowers covered themselves
Life stopped


She was different from me
I was above average
She was a topper
Giving competition to others
I hated sports
She left me behind there too
Making her place
She was an extrovert
I an introvert admired her

With years passing by
I was made her bench partner for obvious reasons
She became a favourite of everyone
Especially of me

I always admired her
Secretly
Silently
Without telling anyone

She always helped me
In every possible way
Sometimes knowingly ,intentionally
Sometimes unknowingly, unintentionally

She gave me a book
Always helped me
Changed school but never
Made any change in our friendship

It was I who was bad for her
I did wrong to her
I made her angry

She was the new girl in our town
Soon she will say goodbye to start
Life in new town

Her going makes my heart pound
My eyes bleed so much
Years later
We will again meet
Till then
I have memories

Wishing her all the luck
Blessed are her best friends
Who have got a gem
In their life

Life spent with her
Times spent with her
Though a very short span of time
Are implanted in my immature heart forever
I will miss her badly


Saturday, 17 February 2018

Nomad

On a lonely sunday morning
I wake up early to meet you
For the one last time
Before I am carried away

I check my little letter box
To see if there is any letter from you
Nay it's not
Wait for some time
I console my little heart

I force myself to
Have a perfect mug of coffee
In my favourite coffee mug
For one last time

Nothing makes me happy
Today books too fail to understand me
My pen too is shaking
Weather is also helpless

I am a lost soul
I curse myself for all the regrets
I look around for the things
To harm myself again

One year back
I wanted to run away
Sadly was stopped
Eleven years back
I wanted to kill myself
Unfortunately was saved

I wasn't close to anybody
All my life
I was alone
I never had anyone

Friends I never had
Family I wasn't close to
Happiness lied in me
Loneliness I loved

Introvert I was always
I never shared my problems my feelings with
anyone
I wasn't like others
Sharing their problems
I don't want to be a burden on you all
I hate sharing my problems my worries
With anyone
Conservative family
I was born and brought up in

I never had anything
I was an illusion for others
Neglected , Ignored by everyone
Friends family everyone

I find solace in the laps of nature
These green pastures love me for who I am
The endless sky tells me that I am not alone in this big world
The flowers blooming inspire me to be intact
The flowing river ARC makes me complete
The tree where I have made a new friend my little squirell
Fills the emptiness of friends which I have been looking for years
These branches helped by blowing wind hugs me my depressed life
Showing me their presence when I am worldly absent
The rainbow introduces me to the hidden colours of life depicting seven emotions
The billion of stars shinning alone
The moon shinning alone in darkness too

Nature always caresses my heart my immature mind
When I needed a best friend
Nature was there for me

Attention seeker
I was mocked always
Immature
I was called
Depressed
I was labelled as
By everyone

School life was hell for me
Teachers always kept me in weak students
Yes I am weak
Too weak to live in this mature world

I tried to make friends but soon
I realised I never had friends
Writing my heart out for my only friend
I lost her too

Writing poetry has added to my long list of regret
Losing ten years old friendship
By writing two poems
Changed our friendship forever

Writing poem
Read by my sister
Too changed the things forever
Lost my sister also

I am bad at everything
Before I go
I ask pardon from
Mom and dad for not being a good daughter
My lovelies my sister and brothers for not being a nice sister to them
My very few friends for not being a best friend to them

Mom and dad
My lovelies
I am sorry that
I can't tell you about him
I tried to talk to my friend about him but
All are busy
I solved it myself once for all

I accept that
I have messed up my own life
I have screwed up the semester exams
I have made sins blunders in life
For which I can't ask forgiveness too

Thanks for your love mom and dad
Thanks for your care my lovelies
Thanks for your time my friend
Yes there are short term goals and long term goals
Yes I will excel in it now

I start my yet another Journey
In search of happiness love and care
I don't want to be remembered but missed
I leave behind my scars
To start a journey of eternity

As the weekend ends
With the setting of the sun
Sun going below the horizon
My dreams,goals,aspirations,fears ,hopes will come to an end
Once for all

It's okay
I came alone
I am going alone
With some beautiful memories
Safely placed in some pages of diary
Which you will never find out





Monday, 5 February 2018

An Ode To Truth

O you mighty spirit
Embrace me tightly
With all your great power
Accept me with all my flaws
Flaws which turned to sins
Take me with you
Where there is 'peace'
Allow me once to stay at your place
Believe me I won't change my place
Everafter
I am in love with your place
I want to speak my heart to you
As I don't have none
I trust in you
I believe in you
You are the one
For whom
I wait for
I long for
Come soon
Bring all my sorrows to an end
Welcome me wholeheartedly
As I make arrangements silently
To reach your place
Soon
Here I come
To enjoy the ultimate truth of life
I look at you
I surrender myself to you
With happiness
Take my soul with you
Take my immature heart and mind with you
Take everything from me
I am happy to be in your home
Waiting for truth to take me
Away from this world
Away from my sinful world
I am waiting for you with a smile
To start a new journey to eternity.


Saturday, 3 February 2018

Times

O you
Why don't you leave me
I hate you
Whenever I try to go away from you
You come to me
Saving me again
In some form or the other

O you
What should I do to make you understand
Everything is over
I have lost everything
I don't have nothing

O you
How should I tell you that
I never had anyone
I have no friends to share
My family doesn't understand it
I am an introvert and will always be

For me it's difficult to share my problems
Moreover I never had anyone too
It's my mistake that
I forgot that they are much busy

Nothing is left
I can't do much
Everything is done
Everything is over for me
I can't bear all this now

It pains my heart
To see my shattered life
I accept that it is because of me
That's why I can't be more patient

Yes I am not that strong
Like my grandmother
Like my mother
Like my sister
I don't know why I am not

I am not that "mature"
I am an "attention seeker"
I am an "immature" person
I am a "crying baby"

I don't know
Why I am writing all this
For the last time
Finally biding farewell to
My sadness loneliness depression

I had tried it earlier too
But my friend stopped me
That time
At this moment
I am unstoppable

O you
Life you were a blessing to me and will always be
Don't accept from others
None was there for me
Whomever I thought was my best friend
Turned out a stranger

O you
Nature I will miss you the most
Books I will crave for
Pen I will seek for

I won't disturb you anymore
My  friend
I won't irritate you now
You have my emails
I have researched analysed much
Pardon me for breaking your heart
For not keeping up my promise made to you
Last year

I won't disturb you
My family
My sister
You won't be get annoyed by anyone now

Alone you come
Alone you go

O Lord bless this world
I don't want your heaven
I want hell
Will you?

Friday, 2 February 2018

One Last Time

The sun is glowing
The stream is flowing
The wind is blowing
The rainbow is smiling
The birds are resting

The flowers are blooming
Some yellow
Some golden
Some white

The blooming flowers are dancing
sunflowers
lillies
roses to name a few

I see him
I see him happy
I see him beaming with joy
I see a small kid with dreams so big

I walk on the grass
The due drops falling
Making the green grass
Glitter

I see her
I see her smile
Seeing the love of her life
Sitting with him making
her eyes gleam with joy

I see a group of friends
Chuckling laughing
Spending the best time
Making wonderful memories to cherish

I see working people
Carrying heavy bags
With a heavy heart
Tired too tired to love life

I see ducks swimming
Sweet little ducks in a line
Followed by the mum duck
Quacking seeing me
I guess

Turning around
I see frogs watching me
Silently
From a little distance

I see grandpa and grandma
Living their life once again
Playing with their grandchildren
Being a kid again

Far away behind those
Lofty mountains
I hear the sound of waves
Touching the sea shore
With ease

With this
Day is coming to an end
I walk to my house
To see my granny waiting for me
Sitting outside the house
Waiting for her daughter's daughter

Before going away from
My love
I again see her
Inspiring me
Aspiring me to do what I love

I see sun setting
Going for a good sleep
Below the horizon
I see life setting in with the sun
Waiting to be hugged tomorrow
To be welcomed
To be loved again

Seeing so much
I again fall in love
With her
With mother nature

I see
Love in all its form
Love in it's purest form
Love in love
Caressing my soul

Love is everywhere
Love is flowing with the wind
Love is priceless
Love is love

Come on come out
Of your world
To welcome a new world
Where peace resides
Where happiness lives
Where Friendships are true
Where care is true care
Where every message is
A blessing


Go fall in love
Fall in love with the peace joy happiness

Forget all the worries
Forget all the pains
Forget all the botheration
Forget all the hate

Go
Live your life
Live your dreams with open eyes
Until let me sleep
To welcome a new world
Tomorrow with a smile

Let me rest
Let me have a sound sleep
Let me take a break
Let me feel life once again
For the ................

The Last Wait

O my lost friend
Come back to me
For HIS sake

Everyday I wait for your message
Hoping to see a message from you
I keep my phone with me always

I wait for your calls
I keep staring at my phone for hours
Waiting for your call

Seeing your​ name in my phone
Makes me feel better
Makes me feel happy

Reading our chats again
Reading our emails again
Reading our messages

I smile like an idiot
Words playing in my mind
Like a sweet melodious song

Seeing you online
I type paragraphs
I type my heart out

Just before sending it
Backspace button does it's work
For me

I want to tell you so much
I want to hear from you
about you
about your work

I want you to be with me
Like those days when we were friends

We are still friends
Yet somewhere
I see things becoming sad

I think about you
I miss you
I long for you

Divided by distance
Not geographically
But unseen unheard differences

When I write
I remember your advices
I make it better

I see my parents
Always asking about you
What should I tell them

Should I tell them about
Our broken friendship
Our broken touch

You have many friends
You have your best friends
You have your life with you


I don't have many friends
Never had I been a best friend to anyone
Never I had any best friends


My sister always tells me
Not to get emotionally attached to anyone
Everytime it is forgotten by me


I thought we were best friends
That was just an illusion
Far behind from reality


Sharing problems
Chatting forcefully
Talking nonsense
Is not friendship

I have no idea that after all this
I still wait for you to come back
I still want to be friends with you

I had annoyed you
As a friend
I had irritated you
As a friend


My mind says to stop
Seeing videos on Friendships
You will do nonsense
You will lose your friend


Heart reminds me
To be childish
To be fragile

You wanted me to be mature
You forgot I was immature for you
To see you smile

Yet I want to be friends with you
Always forever and ever
I see myself crying

I cry
I cry a lot
Crying is my weakness
Getting up is my strength

My sister says
Try to understand
Work on your dreams

I can't tell anyone about it
Neither my parents
Nor my sister about it

I know them
They can't see me breaking down for no reason

My brothers say
Never to break Friendships
Friends like you are rare

My family wants me to understand you being busy
To see me happy
Achieving everything

Again I am writing
Things which I shouldn't
Never

Years later these written things
Will haunt me
Will break Friendship with you


I want you to come back
My friend
Till then I am thinking
What to write
What not to write

I will never annoy you
I will never irritate you
I will behave maturely

Take care of yourself
Till we meet next time
Somewhere unexpectedly

Life has freezed for me I have lost all  My day starts with sadness ends in depression I don't want to know what's going on ...